Choosing the Hard Right

I was a big blubbery mess. I mean I was beyond consolable. It feels almost silly now to talk about it but at that moment I wanted to just throw up my hands and stomp my feet with stubborn defiance. The answer was a definite, "NO!" from me.

I was not going to pay a tithe. I wasn't doing it while we were in debt. I didn't think it was fair or right or.... well.... darn it I was just so close to getting all the debt pay off, so no I wasn't going to do it!

Then I realized what the real issue behind the tantrum was. Fear. I was afraid; afraid to let go of a small amount of money and give it back to God because our entire income and controlling it gave me a sense of security. Y'see financial security is very important to me. For so long I didn't have that kind of security. I lived month to month just waiting for another letter from CRA in the mail telling me I needed to give up thousands of dollars to our government. (I will admit CRA mail always gives me that kind of anxiety, even now.) My palms sweat and my heart will race a bit more but I don't have a choice, do I? I always have to pay whatever it is they say I owe.

So, Heavenly Father asking for 10% of our income in tithing was like another authority figure saying, "You don't have a choice. Hand it over now, or else!" I resented that commandment and stubbornly held on to the knowledge that I needed to get out of debt before we talked about tithing.

Then something happened and I realized I didn't have enough faith in Heavenly Father to still guide us through this time of debt pay off while tithing. Trusting in His plan more than my own. You see, I had it all worked out. We had crunched the numbers to death; so much so that we knew down to the exact day when we would be debt-free. I trusted the numbers more than I trusted in The Lord.

So, I was reading through the scriptures and came across these passages in Proverbs chapter three, which I know the majority of us are at least somewhat familiar with, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Honor the Lord with thy substance and with the firstfruits of all thine increase. " (v. 5,6 & 9)

I don't know why these verses resonated with me so clearly at that moment. I've read those passages many times before, but this time I felt a stirring in my heart about my struggle at hand. I prayed on it and didn't dismiss the prompting but decided to ruminate on it overnight just a little longer.

The next morning, Chris and I sat down for our morning scripture reading on the couch. We read through a few things and then turned to read the Proverbs scripture for the day. It was the same Proverbs from the night before!  I told Chris what had transpired last night and felt we needed to revisit the tithing subject immediately after finishing our reading. He agreed and together we knew we were making a financial change to tithe but the bigger change was trusting God with what this change meant for our future.

So what does it mean, you're wondering. Well, it will mean we're a few months further out in our debt pay off journey than we initially bargained for. The debt we'll be paid off by February 2019 now, instead of December -- which is fine and not the end of the world. Not the date I wanted but....still....okay fine...

The bigger thing to give up was the idea that this sets our entire journey back significantly after debts are paid off. Since we are now a tithing family that will mean more money will not be going towards things like the fully-funded emergency fund, the future family vehicle or the very hopeful....private adoption...

We've given up on the private adoption dream.... and I'll go into that more another time but Chris and I have come to realize it's just not going to happen for us -- maybe we'll still be able to think about public adoption, but not private.... deep breath in, deep breath out... and that's okay. Really, it is...

It was a dream we had to give up and move on to other dreams; other hopes for our future and family. We actually feel our burden has been made light with this new decision. We are a family that is willing to steward our money well and to us, that will mean tithing; giving back to others without direct benefit to ourselves. It's an important lesson to learn and it took us awhile to get there, but I'm glad we did.

I hope those out there reading this may consider giving in there own ways, even while you're going through the debt pay off journey. If you don't tithe consider praying on the subject, as I did. God will meet you where you and help you through the difficult subject. It's not an easy road to walk, but it's always the right road when we choose to follow Him.